My apologies, but I never recall the pleasant people on Twitter. Please think of me as easily annoyed, not bitter.

Having spent a year sifting through Twitter profiles to peg marketing targets means I’ve read a lot of tweets. And a lot of bios. Forget Forrester. If you need a research report I’ve got it right here.


I can glance at a profile and size up what that person will do, won’t do, wishes they could do and pretends they can do.  And I’ve given clumps of similar ones nifty names, because segmenting is a fancy marketing word for stereotyping.

Come inside my mind. Hear my weary internal dialogue. Here are a few of my favorites:

Profound Pasters

Bio phrases: “Dream big and dare to fail.” (Whoa!) Or whatever proves they find the most profound things to cut and paste.

Photos: Puppies or kittens. Photos of posters of photos of human silhouettes doing physically exhausting things in front of a sunset. Usually inscrutable writing on the poster because “Pasters” know the highly profound, not the low resolution.

Tweets: Like talking to the brick wall of a church that let the youth group “go crazy” with pre-approved graffiti painting. 

Will buy: Inexpensive sentimental jewelry, like a “live strong” bracelet with rhinestones or an engraved adjustable ring. Wooden wall hangings engraved with light-hearted, self-deprecating “fun.”

Life Lovers

Bio phrases: “I love life!” “I live every day to the fullest.” (Are you —ing me?)

Photos: 5k finish line. Photos of their lunch. Coffee. Doing something  precarious, like rock climbing.

Tweets: Their next vacation or goal, period. “We leave for Bombay on the 7th…” or “10 states down and only 40 to go until I’ve run a 5k in every one!”

Will buy: Supplements with anti-depressant effects. Outdoor gear that will look good in photos. Therapy sessions. Will pay to have their photo taken with an exotic animal or person while on vacation.

Human RSS Feeds

Bio phrases:  Follows the formula: Job title, business interests, an accomplishment, a simple pleasure that delights them.

Tweets: ANY business article they think everyone hasn’t read yet.

Photos: Usually a portrait in a suit. Until they can finally replace that with a photo of themselves speaking at something that looks like a TED Talk.

Will buy: An upgrade on LinkedIn. Books on how to become an entrepreneur, with no detection of the irony.

Gollum-esque Stalker

Bio phrases:  Broken sentences. Words you didn’t know could be misspelled.

Tweets:  Usually none. They just DM asking where Frodo has gone? Is Middle Earth safe? Are you having a giveaway?

Photos: None. Default egghead.

Will buy: Something precious?