Change is often seen as creative and necessary, and can be invigorating, in the sense of a fresh start. But change is also almost irrepressibly hard. When we first try to give up a personal habit on our own, most of us backslide terribly. When change is imposed from the outside, we resist. And when one person in a group changes, everyone else may have trouble adapting.

Change tests our ideas about ourselves, others, how the world works, and what’s real or normal or fair. Most people don’t enjoy change unless they’ve specifically chosen it for themselves, and even then, the details may take effort and energy.

When change is required of you, how easily do you accommodate its disruptions? Are you able to accept what is required or new, and come out better and stronger, managing to thrive? And when you’re the one who chooses to change, are the people around you able to cope?

Taking Up the Challenges of Change

Here’s one small-scale, but meaningful example of a disruptive change: A middle school girl gets her hair cut short. The look suits her, and the adults in her life compliment her on her beauty, taste, and maturity. Her friends, however, after an initial flurry of excitement — “You look like you’re 16!” — withdraw from her. They all wear their hair shoulder-length or longer, in popular styles. They all look alike while she is clearly, proudly, different.

Or here’s an example of a change that is drastically disrupting: Several long-married couples have been in the news lately because one spouse has chosen to undergo transgender surgery, yet the couples have chosen to stay married, maintain their households, calm their relatives, and continue to raise their children together.

Most organizational change falls somewhere between merely looking different and a complete alteration of basic nature. Although individuals are literally paid (in wages) to absorb the changes that occur in their organizations, there is still great potential for upheaval. Think of your own experiences with change, and how your professional and personal life may have been thrown into turmoil by shifting work assignments, procedural details, compensation plans, bosses, and even corporate cultural norms.

The Importance of Talk and Trust

When you’re the sponsor or host of the change, how do you help other people, who may feel awkward, frightened, or unsettled, move more comfortably over to your side? Think of your role as a kind of project manager whose tasks, deliverables, responsibilities, and milestones are clear and progressive. Constant communication helps: Start by explaining what’s going on and why and how the change will take place, and continue by checking in with people to see how it’s going for them.

But what makes a real difference — as demonstrated by the couples who have managed to stay together despite seismic shifts in their marriages — is an underlying context that serves as a kind of scaffolding for the change: a commitment to shared values, a deep relationship of trust, and dedication to mutual happiness.

Doesn’t it seem worth it to try to build that kind of scaffolding into all your relationships, making them solid and strong enough to withstand the disruptions caused by life’s ordinary and extraordinary changes?