R.I.P. New-Fangled Internet Fad

The Internet is so yesterday. No one uses it anymore, and companies shouldn’t spend money trying to get customers using Internet marketing and social media networks. Sure, the average U.S. Internet user spends about 32 hours a month online, and it’s just coincidental that 71% of Internet users do some sort of online shopping.

You don’t want to be bothered with all of that, because you’ve got seven good reasons to give up your Internet marketing campaign in 2013:

#1 – You’ve got enough money.

Let’s face it, you’ve got more money than Oprah. There’s really no point in getting any more. With 78.1% of the U.S. using the Internet, there’s no real need for you to attempt to find any customers using this medium.

Also, there’s no money to be made on the Internet. Sure, BGR reports that consumers spent over $1.25 billion in one single day, known as Cyber Monday, but there’s no reason you should try to get a piece of that pie for yourself.

#2 – You’ve managed to create a business that doesn’t require customers.

You don’t have to deal with the general public or clients? Congratulations! You don’t have to deal with that pesky Facebook.  According to a study performed by ConstantContact, 71% of Facebook users under 35 use the site at least 5 hours a week. The same study reports that 34% of Facebook users interact with their favorite brands on the social media site and 58% of users will like a brand because they are a customer. But since you don’t have any customers because you found a magical way to avoid dealing with people, you don’t need to deal with all that.

#3 – You’ve cornered your market and there’s no need to expand.

You’ve covered that niche market of newborns-to-three-year-olds who are currently making between 60K and 100K of disposable income a year and enjoying financial freedom from mommy and daddy. This is a highly underserved group of consumers who make up less than .0000001% of consumers (we made that figure up) in today’s market, and boy are they big spenders.

And since you have such a strong consumer base, you don’t have to worry about the fact that, according to Lab42, 72% of consumers will use Facebook to search or get recommendations for a product before purchasing.

#4 – You don’t need to interact with the world to survive.

You’ve don’t need Twitter or Facebook. You’ve got enough money, so you don’t have to interact with the outside world to thrive in this consumer-driven economy. You don’t have to go the route of companies like AT&T, which dedicated hundreds of millions of dollars trying to interact with its customers and was able to achieve 12.9 billion unique impressions in 2012. You don’t need all that attention.

AT&T’s CEO told an AT&T Facebook audience that “social networking is going to be a major force in this industry for years to come … I think it helps people communicate. That’s what we do.” But what does he know? According to Forbes, he only makes just over $9.5 million a year. That’s not a lot if you really think about it. It could only buy 20,000 iPhones.

#5 – Your company is the largest company in the world.

It’s time we all admit it. You’ve become the world’s leading technical, financial, industrial, and commercial company, tackling all four industries. You don’t have competition, because you’ve put everyone else out of business. You don’t have to compete with the millions of businesses using Twitter. And there’s no need to outdo the 11 million companies currently using Facebook to promote their business, since according to the Facebook Business Overview, only a measly one billion individuals log on to Facebook every day to “Like” or comment on over 3.2 billion postings.

#6 – You’ve created the world’s most recognizable brand.

People see your company logo and automatically know it means perfection. There’s no point in trying to spend any money on getting your image out there and building a company brand. After all, you beat out the $108.9 billion in revenue Apple generated last year. You managed to conquer them, so no need to do anything more.

You’re not even fazed by the fact that Apple spent over $213 million per quarter on marketing, most of which was online marketing and social media presence. But you’re right. There’s no need for you to spend any money on Internet marketing. You’ve got Apple cornered.

#7 – The Mayans were right. The world ended.

Those darn Mayans got it right all along. The world ended, so there’s really no reason to spend any money on Internet marketing. After all, it’s a dying fad.