In video games there are inevitably both heroes and villains (and sometimes those in between; oh antiheroes, you cheeky wee scamps). Alignments aside, however, some of these characters just happen to be completely stark raving bonkers. Whether it was caused by an unfortunate knock to the head, diabolical experimentation or pure personal choice (some of them seem to quite enjoy it, at least), they need some serious psychiatric help. Buckle up your straitjackets, dear readers, for here follows a list of the top five craziest video game characters of all time.
- Dr Loboto (Psychonauts)
“Well, I’ve reviewed your chart, little girl. The bad news is we’re going to have to remove your brain… strap it into an armoured battle tank, and have it shoot down innocent civilians with its concentrated psychic death beams!”
Arguably a large proportion of the cast of Psychonauts are more than a little unhinged, but Dr Loboto really takes the biscuit (or, in this case, the brain). Allegedly a deranged dentist who, instead of removing teeth, prefers to pull out his patients’ grey matter, Loboto’s hilarious dialogue definitely illustrates just how far gone he is. With a uniquely styled – and deeply surreal – setting populated by overflowing asylums, telekinetic bears and psychic bacon, it’s hard not to feel a little of your own sanity slipping away when you take a dip into the world of Psychonauts.
- Jeanette Voerman (Vampire: the Masquerade – Bloodlines)
“I can tell you and I are going to get along just like fire hoses…”
Obligatory spoiler warning (hence why that name in particular was used for her listing). Therese and Jeanette Voerman (or Tourette, as they are collectively known) are arguably the most unique video game vampires (or vampire) to date. With Jeanette being bubbly, flirtatious and scantily clad while Therese is a sombrely dressed, high powered businesswoman, the two couldn’t be more different. However, you eventually discover that they are in fact utterly insane (that’s Malkavians for you), two vastly different personalities struggling for dominance inside a shared (and admittedly pretty darn attractive) body. Awesomely voice acted, it’s hard not to get caught up in their final cataclysmic quarrel.
- Slappy (Dead Rising 2)
“Everyone knows Slappy!”
Where to begin? ”Nightmare fuel incarnate” springs to mind. In essence he’s a slightly pudgy guy dressed as a children’s TV mascot… who actually seems to believe himself to be that mascot. If you didn’t lose bowel control when you first saw his giant, grinning fibreglass head looming over Chuck’s shoulder then I commend you. Packing flame throwing water pistols and gliding along on a pair of roller skates (which somehow manage to give him that additional level of creepiness), he’s far more terrifying than any of the zombies you encounter (and most of the psychopaths).
- Albert Wesker (Resident Evil)
“Every day, humans come one step closer to self destruction! I’m not destroying the world, I’m saving it!”
While he may be an evil genius, Wesker is pretty darn crazy. Cheating death by injecting himself with an experimental virus (and we all know how viruses are in Resi games), he mercilessly screwed over his STARS comrades as an Umbrella Corporation double agent and has plotted with ruthless efficiency ever since (or at least did until he had that unfortunate encounter with a volcano). Ultimately wanting to infect the entire world with the deadly Uroboros virus (hey, it worked for him, I guess), Wesker’s motives are sketchy at best. I mean, what if he had infected the entire world with that virus? Then what? A worldwide tentacle monster tea party? Oh, Wesker, you card, you.
- Sephiroth (Final Fantasy)
“What I want… is to sail the cosmos with this planet as my vessel. Just as Mother did long ago. Then one day we’ll find a new planet and on its soil we’ll create a shining future.”
Only a true madman would attempt to wield a sword that big. Fair enough, finding out that you’re made from the experimental merging of cells of an extraterrestrial life form might make anyone a little weak in the head, but deciding to try and take over the planet in their name… now that’s a little crazy. Whether getting repeatedly beaten in the battle of the giant phallic weapons by Cloud Strife or showing up to wail on Sora in Kingdom Hearts (although maybe he kind of deserved it; he can be rather annoying), he does it with a fabulous (and I do mean fabulous) flair. Unfortunately for his numerous fangirls, however, Sephiroth has far too much of an Oedipus complex to even dream of paying an attention to them.
Author: Ella is an avid PC gamer but admits to some curiosity about the 3DS in the build up to its release. Will she be able to experience the insanity of any of these characters in shiny (and portable) 3D? Only time will tell…