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Just a girl and her best panda friend, loving up on Chinese food. All day, every day.

Oh, Patrice. What hast thou done now?

Better question: What have we done to deserve this? 

First there was Rebecca Black’s “Friday.”

Then Nicole Westbrook told us about how we can’t be hateful, gotta be grateful when it’s Thanksgiving.

But Patrice Wilson’s newest project — Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” — will maybe probably definitely give you your “WTF Moment” for the day.

If you’re thinking to yourself, “This can’t possibly be a song about how much a 13 year old girl likes Chinese food,” you’re wrong. It is exactly that.

A Thorough Breakdown of Events

We begin with a man cooking noodles. But then a rainbow appears and we know that something magical is going to happen!

Taste the MSG rainbow.
Taste the MSG rainbow.

Enter Alison Gold. She appears to be a pretty normal-looking pre-teen. She’s tiny. She’s cute. All the boys in 7th grade probably love her and all the girls want to be her (except maybe not after they see this video). But then she starts singing and tells us a little bit about her life:

After ballin’, I go clubbin’
Then I’m huggin’
Then I’m hungry. 

Wait… what? Ballin’? Clubbin’? Who is she huggin’? Aside from this being an example of terrible sentence structure, I’m concerned about Alison’s home life. Dear Alison Gold’s parents: please don’t let your pre-teen daughter go clubbin’. Especially not with Patrice Wilson.

After a late night of clubbin’, Alison is so hungry that she gets grouchy and shows us that she’s suffering from rage issues. Homegirl Hulk-smashes a city trashcan (imagine what she’d do to you).


By the way, if you’re wondering about the subtitles in the video, they change languages with every line of the song. I can only assume this is to appeal to Alison Gold’s global fanbase.

So anyway, Alison is hungry and dangerous.

But then — quelle surprise! — she smells Chinese food! And now that her hands are all trash-can-nasty, she’s going to eat some.

This restaurant, appropriately named “Chinese Food,” is owned and operated by other 12 and 13 year olds. Also, only 12 and 13 year olds eat here (and huge creepshow pandas, but more on that in a moment).

Alison Gold launches into the deep and profound chorus of this song (“I love Chinese food. Yeah! You know that I do. Yeah!) and we suddenly all understand the universe and what it means to be alive. Especially the cashier.

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Speaking of the cashier, I think it’s her first day on the job. She doesn’t seem to have mastered using a cash register yet.

It's not a laptop.
It’s not a laptop.

After proclaiming her love for fried rice, noodles, and chow mein (at which point she brushes her shoulders off), Alison sits at a table by herself. Because she’s confident and worldly and totally not afraid to dine alone in public.

Once upon a time, before you were probably born, Alison, there was a wise man named Jay Z. And he told us that "ladies is pimps too." G'on, brush your shoulders off.
Once upon a time, before you were probably born, Alison, a wise man named Jay-Z told us that “ladies is pimps too.” Go and brush your shoulders off.

She doesn’t really seem to care that the restaurant brought her food she didn’t order. In fact, she goes on to tell us how great this restaurant is because they have broccoli and chicken wings.

You know. Like mostly every restaurant anywhere.

Still, she presses on. She also likes egg rolls and wonton soup. She demonstrates this by using chopsticks to hold up what looks like a deep-fried toilet paper roll, and then stirring what may or may not be egg shell-colored paint. Or clam chowder.

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She declares that this table full of MSG-laden food just for her makes her feel so, so good. I don’t know about that. She maybe needs to be singing about how she feels three hours later when she’s lying on the couch with stretch pants on, crying about how she’s never going to eat Chinese food ever again. Until tomorrow, at least.

Finally, she gets her fortune cookie, and this is when things start to get really weird. First of all, we all know fortune cookies never actually have fortunes in them. They’re more like Proverb Cookies. So it’s weird when she gets an actual fortune. 

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Good. It’s sad when people have to eat alone in a room full of their peers.

Not sure if you noticed, but there’s a giant freakin’ panda-person watching Alison eat.

Lock your children indoors.
Lock your children indoors.
It's like, but with fortune cookies, 13 year old girls, and a person in a panda costume.

The hills are alive with the sound of music when, as new BFFs, they leave the restaurant, join hands, skip, and spin in circles. Natch.

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“Do you want to come over and make embroidery thread friendship bracelets later!?”

When ashes, ashes, they all fall down, they lie on the ground and tickle each other and point out the works of Chinese food art they see in the clouds.

It is so. very. bizarre.

Not weirded out enough yet? Good. Because then all the gal-pals are over at Alison’s for a sleepover and her mom let her invite her new Panda friend she just met that day. They’re all playing Monopoly, giggling, and engaging in girl talk.

Just us girls here!
Just us girls here!

Uh, except then the friendly panda bear decides to reveal himself. And it’s Patrice Wilson! You probably never saw this coming. Especially not after he dressed up like a turkey in Nicole Westbrook’s video.

So really, what happened was that a grown man dressed up like a panda to make friends with little girls and get invited to their sleepover.

If this whole thing wasn’t mildly offensive and culturally insensitive enough to begin with, Patrice Wilson starts rapping about his love for Chinese food.

In a mock-Chinese accent.

A maniac with two faces.
A maniac with two faces.

And then, just when you’re not sure it could get any less appropriate, Creeper Bear is watching the girls, dressed as Geishas, dance in the Chinese restaurant.

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Back at the sleepover, even after the Panda BFF was revealed to be a middle-aged man, the girls still decide it’s okay to have a pillow fight with him. Poor. Life. Decisions.

The panda man is using a panda pillow in this pillow fight. Pretty sick if you ask me.
The panda man is using a panda pillow in this pillow fight. Pretty sick if you ask me.

After the sleepover, Alison and her Panda BFF go downstairs, but he pauses thoughtfully on the steps, as pandas are wont to do. He tosses a fortune cookie at her, and then rocket launches out of her parents’ roof on a rainbow. They haven’t cared about anything else, so they probably won’t even notice. They might also be 13.

Hope you've got some good homeowner's insurance, but good luck getting them to believe you.
Hope you’ve got some good homeowner’s insurance, but good luck getting them to believe you.

Her fortune informs her that “Pandas fly away on a rainbow.” ….. Yyyyep.

And then finally a gong sounds and it ends like this (of course it does):

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Gosh, I hope I haven’t spoiled it for you. But if you want to see it for yourself, check it out below. Just be warned: it’s three and a half minutes you will never get back.

All images are from YouTube.