Ashton Kutcher to Replace Sheen On “Two and a Half Men”; Kutcher Will Not Play Charlie Harper Character

Warner Brothers announced today that actor Ashton Kutcher will replace Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” but will not play Charlie Harper’s character? The rest of the cast will remain the same. Kutcher will receive $625,000 per episode; his counterpart grossed $1.25M.

Sheen was fired from the show March 7 due to volatile behavior and consistent public rants aimed at Executive Producer Chuck Lorre. The Two and a Half Men creator, who has been and remains very open about hating Sheen, announced that “we are so lucky to have someone as talented, joyful and just plain remarkable as Ashton joining our family” in a statement.

Following his release from the (how popular) show, Sheen replied that “This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

In an attempt to calm grieving fans, Robert Thompson, founder of the Bleier Center for Television and Popular Culture at Syracuse University said that, “Sheen’s character was getting a little thin.” He added, “As good as Charlie Sheen was, his TV alter ego, Charlie Harper, had begun to wear out. You can only do so many stories with a drinking, drugged-out womanizer.” The best part? Charlie Harper did not use drugs.

Kutcher, 33, who became popular playing Michael Kelso on TV comedy “That 70’s Show,” said that “I can’t wait to get to work with this ridiculously talented ‘2.5’ team and I believe we can fill the stage with laughter that will echo in viewers’ homes.”

Charlie Sheen, who hoped to return to the sitcom, said that “Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comedic performer…Oh wait, so am I!!” Sheen told TMZ, “Enjoy the show America. Enjoy seeing a 2.0 in the demo every Monday, WB. Enjoy planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty, or love there.” Sadly, the most rational thing the actor has said since his fall from grace.

Time Warner Cable owner CBS fell 38 cents to $26.11 in New York Stock Exchange composite trading. New York native Time Warner Cable fell 27 cents to $35.96.