I Read Your Tweets.
Twitter is like a really cheesy flea market, with all sorts of off-brand sunglasses and lamps trying to grab your attention. But occasionally, I think people Tweeting their “goods” hide preposterous things in plain sight; assuming that no one will see them. Like a stinky sock or used dental floss. Friends, I am here to tell you that I can see those stinky sock Tweets you think no one notices. I see the typos, the philosophizing at early hours, the rage Tweets. When I am monitoring for work looking for something good to ReTweet, I spy your ridiculous contribution to the massive (and growing) Twitter community.
Confession #1: I Saw When You Raged
Yes, please vent on Twitter. But if you are going to start a ten Tweet series on how much you hate your Starbucks barista because he spelled “Jennifer” with one “n,” just know I’m out there, chuckling to myself. If you see this confession and think, “oh, I don’t Twitter rage,” I encourage you to go back through your Tweet history. Do you find yourself threatening weather forecasts as if you want to get into a fight with the sky? Do your past ten Tweets include the phrase “hate” or even “loathe with the passion of a billion Cruella De Vils?” Can’t we all just watch this video of a saxophone player on an infinity loop and get along?
Confession #2: I Don’t Even Think You Know What You Tweeted
Typos happen. One time I tried to tell my Mother than I loved her in a text, and I ended up confessing “I love LCD.” Liquid Crystal Display, Mom! This happens all the time, and I try to be careful. But in the Twitterverse, I’ve seen some shameful messes of Tweets. I don’t want to screenshot and point the finger of blame, but when your Tweet is the equivalent of a spilled bowl of alphabet soup. Darling. Delete, delete, delete. I know you all are grownups with the mental strength to use spellcheck.
Confession #3: Vague Tweets Make Me Sad
There is no worse hashtag than the #OOMF tag, which stands for “One of My Followers.” It essentially gives Tweeters license to say anything they’d like about any one of their billion followers, and get away with it. Confessions of love, hate, and a full range of emotions are all conveniently written so that no one has any idea what is being talked about. Vague Tweets are painful! And I’m pretty sure the “OOMF” being addressed has no idea that it’s them anyways. If you don’t believe me, check out that hashtag yourself using the link I conveniently placed in this paragraph for you.
Confession #4: Where’d You Get That Quote?
A serious moment of confession: sometimes I think the foundation of Twitter is made up of non-sourced and completely random inspiration quotes. Sometimes vague, sometimes helpful, they often feel like they’ve all been composed in one large Inspirational Factory in the sky. Many times they are just riffs on other inspirational quotes, i.e. “when life gives you lemons, grate them to make a lovely garnish for your Inner Strength Martini.” Actually, I am super impressed by that quote I just made up. Be sure to source me when that blows up on the internet.
There’s not really a conclusion to this. Just know that whenever you Tweet, whenever you ReTweet, and whenever you mention someone that I am also following…I’ll be there. Watching you. That’s a social media manager’s job, and I intend to do the dern thing right.