With fuel costs threatening company bottom lines across Britain, ease those financial worries for a moment or three. Indulge in a spot of wish-fulfilment: with our fun guide to reining in petrol and diesel costs. Remember, no idea is too absurd in this age of austerity…
Break a World Record!
Twenty-seven gym staff packed into a Mini Cooper? Twenty-two German cheerleaders in a Renault Twingo? Pah, they may be official world record holders, but you can do better and save on fuel in the process by packing as many staff into one car as possible for company trips. (Only joking, of course – we’d never advise you to set off without seatbelts!)
Downsize
Cancel that swish fleet of BMW 3-series diesels; instead, order a reborn Peel P50, the world’s tiniest car at 54 inches long. It has a top speed of 45 MPH and can do a whopping 157 MPG.
An App to Keep you ‘Appy
Want to encourage more economical, safer driving? There’s an app for that; commission a programme for smartphones that monitors the driver’s behaviour. If the phone detects any sudden, hard acceleration/braking or hears outbursts of violent swearing at other drivers (or, in the case of van drivers, wolf-whistling at female pedestrians), a verbal warning will be issued to them via the phone’s speaker. If this is ignored on two subsequent occasions, the driver will receive their P45 via text.
Embrace Pedal Power
Buy a new saloon from Hyundai China, which created a full-scale Azera last year that was powered by… pedals.
Unlimited mileage guaranteed!
Limos for Everyone
Introduce a new scheme that states managing directors who are whisked to work by plutobarge/limousine must give lifts to employees; there’s plenty of luxurious room for downtrodden workers to be pampered in before arriving at the office. Champagne and caviar not included.
Rocket to work
Make your next company car a Coke Zero & Mentos Rocket Car Mark II, powered by the chemical reaction between 54 bottles of Coke and 324 Mentos. Don’t believe us? Head here
First Gear
Employees suffering from a heavy right foot will be given a mandatory prize of sharing a candle-lit bubble bath with Jeremy Clarkson. This experience will be followed by a soothing two-hour lecture from James May, extolling the virtues of double-clutch gearbox technology. Free wind-up Hamster toy included with every prize.
Do the Continental
Move your company to Greece where there are more Porsche Cayennes than (declared) taxpayers who can actually afford them. Or take a leaf out of the Italian government’s book by ordering 19 Maseratis, and to hell with the consequences…
Back to the Past
Provide DeLorean sports cars for all employees, fitting each vehicle with a Flux Capacitor (patent pending to Dr Emmett “Doc” Brown). Enter ’1990′ as your designated date before driving to a private stretch of road. Accelerate to 88 MPH, time travel back to the 90s, and head to the nearest petrol station. Fill up for 40p a litre before travelling back to the present. Sorted.
Choose Second Hand
Buy used vehicles as company cars; you never know what windfalls you might find in them to help your budget. One second-hand buyer in San Jose discovered $500k of cocaine stuffed in the doors of his nearly-new Chrysler minivan. Not a bad return on $14k…
